Friday, October 19, 2018
Never coming back
Future is a fever
Posted by ellie at 3:54 PM
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Happier - Marshmello
I'll still have you - CYN
Out Running Karma - Alec Benejamin
Still feel - half alive
Using You -Mars Argo
One more Time - Pale Waves
My smile is extinct - Kane Strang
Girls like Me - Will Joseph
Hallucinating - elohim
Posted by ellie at 11:04 AM
Sunday, September 30, 2018
I took a test to see if I qualified to be in a program to learn how to make parts for jet engines. Looks like its a go ahead. I know its a relief to everyone that I might be going forward in my life. Sara's really happy for me. She'll start at the beauty school soon. So, things are looking up.
My sister went to homecoming. We never thought that would happen since she's pretty mean to boys, but seems some fellow with heavy duty horned rimmed glasses has caught her attention.
It'll be Halloween soon.
Just this week, I thought I saw a little boy who looked a lot like Derry visiting his house. It made me smile. But of course, nothing has turned up much in the investigation of his death. Although, his mom did give me an envelope with a key in it.
Derry had a little hunting place way out in the badlands. It's mine now. Of course, I don't want to go out there without my Dad and Sara. It's just, I don't have time to go, at the moment.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
I don't think I'm a big dreamer. Some might think I'm more hopeful now than I used to be. Still, so many mysteries. And in the end, I'm sure it's just me.
I know my life is simple. I can't see me managing much of anything. Still, I'm glad I've found Sara. I think I can make it through anything now. Yet, I can only count on her for so much.
I hope within the next year we find a place of our own. A place we can call home, that isn't my parent's basement.
I'm looking into becoming an electrician. Actually, I learned a lot of things from Derry over the years. I didn't know how savvy he really was about things like that.
Sara is starting beauty school. Maybe we will make it in this world. Hopefully, we will enjoy the little things along the way.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Of course, I miss Derry. I wish I could share this I'm going through right now with him.
Still, I have to wonder if he'd be optimistic about my relationship with Sara. I know, I sound selfish, just bringing Sara up. You know, would things have turned out this way with Sara, if Derry was still here. Would my life continue to be so mundane with him, playing video games? Just letting life pass us by.
Yet, did I really know Derry at all? Was I his only friend? Did I really matter to him, even? Was I the worse friend in the world? Because I didn't know him like I thought I did?
Still, I wanted him to find someone who was going to make his life better. But was there anybody out there, who could have done that? When I think of my own, I don't want to think Sara is the only one I can count on. In the end, it is yourself that has to make you happy.
I never really thought if Derry was happy or not. Yeah, he was full of all sorts of conspiracies. He could have belonged to the NRA, the KKK and who knows what else. But for the most part, he stayed at home. I don't even think he had a job. There was so much I didn't know about him.
But he was my friend. We hung out. We played video games. It might have been lame, but I don't want to forget him.
Thursday, September 27, 2018
I'm beginning to think my favorite place is home now. It hasn't always been that way. There was a time I wanted to leave home, but I have Sara now and things are so different.
I love watching my mom and Sara in the kitchen or discussing my mom's little side venture in essential oils. Its never been profitable, but my mom is more like a scientist than a salesman. To some, she might be a downright kitchen witch. Yet, she's mended my Dad's aches and pains with her mixture of potions and creams. She's helped neighbors too.
Actually, Sara has broadened her cliental. She really is a spokesperson for all my mom's recipes. I never thought I would be happy about this since I've never taken it seriously.
I know, this is not exactly what you thought you would be reading about. I guess you were hoping for some marvel about carhenge or the mouth of the Missouri river.
But having Sara and my mom get along so well making a house a home has made me realise I'm where I want to be.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
I dunno if I can really write about it. It comes and goes.
You know, some days, its like I got it together. Then I space out and wonder, where do I go when I'm finished up here on earth.
I guess we all have that feeling. But it can rattle you. I might as well be orbiting around the earth, sometimes.
Then come those fears, am I really man enough to take care of Sara. I mean, I barely take care of myself and it makes me sick some time to know I could do way better.
Still, life is so tiring and you end up thinking, I've been here an awfully long time. Can I really change for the better?
Toss in some panic attacks at every turn and yeah, I scare myself sometimes. Like, what down that dark corner? Even old ladies can freak me out. Yeah, and even strange middle schoolers can give me the shivers.
A little kid almost bit me once. It was like the strangest thing. Right in the grocery store.
There are days I don't want to face the world, but I know I have too. And I've gotta be thankful, the days haven't really been that bad after all.
Yeah, I can over think it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Sara asked about my sex life. I mean, I guess we should have talked about that...some time ago. I mean, is there really a good time?
So, she was kind of shocked to find out she's the first one I've ever really...
I was embarrassed to talk about it, you know. Just like now. I don't know what to say.
I guessed I upset her. Cause, she thought I was a one night stand kind of guy. Since, she's gone down that road, too.
I felt sad for her. All I could do was give her a hug and hope she wants to stay with me. I think she does.
Its just these days, I can't be sure of anything. Still, I have to trust her. I wouldn't want anyone to hurt her. I want this to be a good life.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Since this thing that has happened with Derry, a lot of things make me want to cry. I hate the thought how it's all so temporary. Why should I go on?
At first, I thought I would just go through the motions, and feel nothing. It would be better that way, but then Sara came along and changed everything.
I cried when we made love for the first time.
Yeah, what does that say about me? I look back, thinking that was the worst time to ever have sex with anyone. Especially, after the passing of your best friend.
I dunno. Sometimes, life throws you this curve out of nowhere.
My sister was telling me other day about this quote she heard from a Chinese drama, "Love is a lot like drinking water, you just have to get the temperature just right."
I don't know what that means, but it gave me a lot to think about. It feels right with Sara. In spite of everything.
I'm grateful we are more than just lovers.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
I do feel comfort in the way Sara sees me. I dunno if its potential or what. But my dad likes me better now. I feel I'm a part of the company I keep at work. Things are better. And it's not complicated.
Its like I can't really make excuses for me, anymore. I smoke less. Drink less.
I know what you're thinking.. "Dude, that's the way love is at first."
Still, its more than just physical with Sara. I feel I can really see her as a woman doing her best to get through this world. I don't see her as materialistic. I see her nature at peace who is surviving from the way she cooks to how she responds to all my misery.
I feel certain if I was on my own away from parents, we could still get by. She's like a calculator when it comes to budgeting. And she really doesn't have to much to live on, even if I wish I was able to give her more. I know she would want us to save it for the future.
But I want her to get an education. She seems to think I should go to this diesel engine school in Missouri. I want to tell her she's crazy, but she says it would be worth it.
At the moment, I'm glad to be with her. She does make me feel the future is possible.