Saturday, May 15, 2010

its like this

This whole Father stuff is so scary.

I didn't know how I'd really feel about it. Exactly. You know, considering I felt like I was the 3rd wheel in all this in the beginning. Like, Oh yeah, I give sperm away all the..time..NOT.

I didn't see it coming. I didn't. You know, Amanda crashing and burning like that. But the moment I saw Evan all alone, I was so frightened. Angry and Amanda for just leaving him like that. I knew he had to be me then. It had to be me to be the responsible one. I couldn't wait for her to decide to grow up. I mean. Its my kid.

And I want the best for him. I don't mean that materialistically. You know, being there for him. I won't ever be a millionaire. But I want to know him. I want to be a part of his life. I have to be, you know.

And yeah, I get so upset about the mention of Amanda. I don't trust her. I can't. And to think I thought she knew what she was doing. Already a mother to one kid.

I admire Kyle all the more now. He's really been there for Rosie. I've learned a lot from him. I've learned so much from Syd too. She's amazing with Evan. I don't know if I could do this without her. She keeps me from going crazy. I guess.

But I worry. I worry about my future. Evan's future. Then I wake up and tell myself. Do something. Do something with your life. Anyway, I think I can manage one online class this summer. Driving the school bus. Working nights. Having my afternoons with Evan.

He's growing so fast. I don't want to miss anything. Its such a balancing act. But yeah, I'm glad to be his father. I really am.

bits and pieces


another skin said...

I like his thoughts.

jeremy's turn said...

wow, its like he's having to face a whole new perspective on life.

blue hearts said...

such real father thoughts.

degrassi after hours said...

I really liked this.

misty said...

I think he's a great dad.