Where can I begin? Honestly?
Of course I've set here like a zombie, far too long. And everyone hates me. My sister. My mother. My father. All because I could tell no one the truth. I never could.
Yes, there were the medications. Some lasted longer than others. Some I'd forget to take. Some I didn't want to take. And yeah, I guess I was never all there. Was I?
Ducky, don't go thinking I never told you any of this. Cause I did. Cause..well, I know you'd always listen. And I'm sorry I pushed you away..so many times. Its just...I didn't want anyone to know. Especially, you.
I mean..you are my one and only true friend. I'd hate to mess that up. Although, I tried..far so many times.
I'd see that look on your face. What I'd done. I hated it. I did. I just didn't know the answer then.
Yeah, you'd come to me.
And I'd think. This is it! We're alone. Down by the water. Our special place. I could even see it happening in my head, like the water lapping softly. I was so sure I could sleep better once..well..I dunno...
I could never go through with it. I couldn't lay that on you.
Sometimes, I wanted to laugh at you when you'd yelp out words like, "I LOVE YOU, MAN!"
And I would say, "Sure you do." Yeah, you'd get a grin out of me, slap me on the shoulder. We'd have the silliest of play fights. Then I'd realize what you actually meant. There I'd go again, shutting down, leaving you with more questions than before.
But when we were so close, I'd never felt so ALIVE. My heart pumping. Out of breath. It was beautiful.
You were the one who found me in the bathtub. You were there when I needed you the most.
But of course, they wouldn't let you stay.
God, I thought the last time I was away they were going to do SHOCK treatments on me. I mean, it was really a bad place. Like something from American Horror story. I'm not kidding... And..and I had to snap out of it. I had to find you, again. I had to see you at least one last time.
And when I said I was going to Vancouver. You, just about lost it. You weren't smiling. Tears started to well up. Just what I needed. I told you. I didn't need a cold. But your hands took my shoulders and you looked me in the eye.
"Let me make you feel better." Your very words. I looked at you with a big question mark, probably tattooed on my forehead. You were so serious. And then you kissed me.